i wish Ramadhan never end

aku da berbulan xbole tido mlm, so i always wide awake during sahur.i called zafrul this morning for wake up cal...then zafrul ckp,u...tinggal 2 minggu je lg puasa...suddenly aku rasa mcm suffocate...aku literally xleh bernafas...i am so happy during this ramadhan...aku try my best utk x gaduh ngan mama or even adik beradik aku...aku try to refrain myself from doing anything bad...to be frank,the reason i did that not only because ini bln Ramadhan,tp sbb bulan ini lah papa ada dgn kami...aku selalu ckp sorang2 (read:i am not crazy) as if aku borak ngan papa...i remember,while studying at 4am, i said.."pa,kalau la Haniz pass paper ni...Haniz belanja diri sendiri kambing!!" papa tau aku x mkn kambing,and aku tau papa suka kambing!! sgt...aku sgt bahagia Ramadhan ini...pelik..sbb Ramadhan ini papa takde dgn aku,tp aku sgt treasure every second thinking that he is with me...tapi...Ramadhan almost over...aku rasa mcm nk stop the time...so that Syawal never comes...sorry...aku tau salah utk aku fikir camni...i can't help it. Tapi xpe, aku sudah tahu cara utk bersabar. Maka, aku akan bersabar dgn dugaan tuhan ini.aku akan cuba utk tak sedih bila Ramadhan pergi.Aku akan cube tak nangis bila malafazkan takbir menyambut Syawal dan menghantar papa pergi ke "tempat" dia.Aku akan doakan papa pergi dlm keadaan tenang dan handsome seperti biasa. Aku akan sabar tunggu "masa" aku akan jumpa papa.aku sudah tak kisah tidak mimpikan papa. aku pernah mengadu, menangis dekat Tuhan, ayin ngan amir sbb aku x mimpikan papa. tapi sekarang aku cuma perlu bersabar. sbb aku yakin Tuhan akan tetap jumpa kan aku dgn papa.Aku cuma perlu yakin dgn kuasa Tuhan, tunaikan tanggungjawab aku sbg hamba dan sabar. kan? tapi aku masih mengharap Syawal lambat lagi...Haish..susah betul utk Haniz berubah!!

sick of being sick

among other things yg aku admire dekat papa was his willingness to do everything sincerely...
mintakla kat papa apa sahaja...selagi hanya perlu guna tenaga...dia selalu akan ckp OK...
contohnya, after his long busy day and suddenly terasa cam nakgi 7E beli air coke in the middle of the night...cakap saja dekat papa...he will make a goofy face and suddenly tgk die dah siap pegang kunci motor and ask,"nak pegi x?" (pjg aku explain..huhu)
so,now that he's gone...aku cuba utk jdk mcm papa...cuba utk buat semua selagi aku terdaya...tp aku x mcm papa,papa x complain...aku kdg2 complain!! hehe...i was tested few weeks before Ramadhan when jaja got sick and requiring us to make few trips to Sabak-KL-Sabak-KL (i lost count!) and then off to Gemas to settle some errands...then my body cannot tahan already...i was hit with fever,flu,cough,sorethroat,headache and body pains..went to the clinic twice as i found out i was allergic with the antibiotic and give me a hell-like pain!!!
then come friday where i was supposed to fetch Jaja,and after taking the meds i was so sure that i can drive to fetch Jaja as promised...but alhamdulillah i collapse upon arriving at umah cik ya.i can't imagine if i passed out while driving! then i admit that i wasn't as strong as papa..don't get me wrong here,i am not complaining or anything...it is my responsibility to do whatever that i did before...i know i was also sick due to my eating habits and my insomnia problem..i just wish that i am stronger physically and mentally if not like him..ALMOST? can? haha..i'm ok now...except for the flu and cough that refuse to go away...and missing him badly...especially during the fever and having to drive myself to the clinic was more painful than the physical pain itself...i kinda missing having that GUY to send me to the clinic when i am sick..people,u might be bored to have to read this..tell you the truth,i just wish to ease the feels of missing him like this...cause it hurts more than getting sick...

best of you..

"@!#$ la ko pink..ko claim ko kwn aku..ko claim ko syg aku..mana ko when i need u hah??"
"demm u..ko yg tinggalkan aku.."
"apsal ko xnk carik aku?"
"sbb aku xnk terhegeh2 kat ko..ko yg call aku out of nowhere marah2"
"ko ego..say it!!"
"ye..aku ego.."
"ko mmg keji ko tau x.."
"kalo aku keji aku x pick up call ko..aku xkan call blk kan??"

despite whatever happened,i found my old friend back..
it's been almost 6 months i guess we haven't talk to each other..
but now..i won't stop at anything for any friendship that i have.
pink..i'm sorry and thanks for still being my friend!!

day 1

aku gerak gi cherating with literally EMPTY heart...
aku drive with 50-50 feelings to go...
tp on the way tu...aku baca doa...
"Ya,Allah...u have every rights utk xnk lindung aku sepanjang aku gerak ni...
tp aku mintak kalau kau sudi lg pandang aku as hamba mu...
kau lindunglah aku dr kebodohan dlm membuat keputusan,dr hambamu lain yg berniat jahat,dr makhlus halus ciptaanmu,dr bencana...sbb semuanya dtg dr kau...kalau apa2 terjadi...aku tetap redha..tp aku mintak kau tlg la tgk2 kan mama tu...heh"
so aku pon drive la...aku drive sgt slow...sbb aku xkejar pape pon...
sampai kan pakcik polis yg tgh buat speed trap kat bwh jambatan pon aku bole lambai!!(bangga sbb aku bwk slow...tp pakcik polis tu xtau aku xde lesen!!!hahahaha...)
aku trus drive gi KT sbb aku lapa n aku nk mkn kopok losong...aku minum ngan air sirap...
sedap gile...pas2 aku jln2 cket then aku patah blk cherating...aku mmg plan nakg KT tp sepatutnye bkn on 1st day...huhu...otw gi cherating...aku pening pk nk tido mana...aku smpai kat camp site...tp bile aku ckp nk sewa tent,pakcik tu mrh aku...ckp bahaya lah...nk ujan lah...tolak rezeki tol pakcik tu...tp mungkin Allah menjauhkan aku dr "kebodohan membuat keputusan", maka aku trus gi tmpat makcik duyung yg keji...(aku mmg benci die sejak beberapa tahun lepas...),tp aku just nk bg makcik duyung excited ada customer je!!aku masuk dlm utk buat uturn je...pas2 aku gi check in kt tempat lain...aku crk bilik yg kiri kanan ada org..sbb aku penakut...time aku tgh terkial2 nk bukak pintu...minah saleh bilik sebelah tegur aku...(nama die elodi)french..."alone?"..."err...yep!u?"..."with partner..you from here?" aku da start bosan...sbb aku nk kejar sembahyang and aku penat gile..."no...see...i have to pray for a while...talk to u later,ya!" mmg la aku xkan kua semata nk ckp ngan die kn...dhla aku xpaham sgt ape die ckp!!aku kan MELAYU....heheh....da setel sume,aku amik buku "aku terima nikahnye..." pegi kat batu2 tepi laut...dgn air coke...perasan foreigner cket la time tu...eventho baca buku bertajuk itu...huhu...baru 2 chapter aku baca...elodi dtg...tp kali ni die bwk gang...didier(partner die),jaeden ngan tedric...aku suspect jaeden ngan tedric gay..kali ni aku paham ape deyrang ckp...sbb jaeden ngan tedric american...kitorang plan nakgi dinner...tp aku tinggalkan deyrang,sbb aku nakgi amek gambar serombong api kat kerteh tu...huhu...tp aku end up mkn kat tmpat aku,ayin,man ngan amir penah mkn time trip kitorang dtg sini...time tu aku cam sedey sbb tis time aku mkn sorang...smpai je kat chalet,aku nmpak elodi kat depan pintu bilik aku...ape kebenda la minah ni nak????aku senyum...then die ckp,"wanna play ball?"..."oh,yeah!!!" time tu aku x sedar aku ni pendek....hasilnye...deyrang confuse aku ngan bola...sbb dgn aku2 skali tergolek kat pasir tu...didier tolak aku kat laut tgh2 mlm tu...aku emo gile!!!lepas main kitorang lepak kat luar...aku minum air mineral...deyrang minum air kencing setan...time borak...elodi tanya aku asal mana sbb kot2 la die nak dtg kan...aku ckp,"i'm from chemor...u know where?"...sume pn buat muke kayu
best jugak membodohkan mat saleh ni...

i just dun feel like...

shud i say more?

shud i leave now?

shud i just stop hoping?

shud i keep it to myself?

coz...i just dun feel like...

no guts...

just read ayin's blog...
pasal komen yg die 'jamak' kan trus tu..
hehe..
about my entry tribute to papa...
still trying to find the guts to write about papa...
because i always ends up suffocate...
guess i am not strong yet to write about it...
or maybe i am still in denial..
i dunno...
but...life goes on...
will come back on it...
hehe

nice one!

"zaf...feels like hanging out in kl today?"
"in the office la.."
"nah...be there in 10 mins...tell dave u got migraine or anything"
"hah??"
so...he was with me settling my errands...always nice to have sumone accompanying me doing all the matters...
to k.zila's sis hse...then tm point...then car wash...then sunway college...then uitm...
none of the above involve any kopitiam, shopping mall, mc d or any other hot spot to chill...as some might say...heh
but it was fun!!!
"crazy la u..."
"wat did u tell dave"
"migraine?"
"wat did he say"
"come back tomorrow?"
fun...
thanks zaf for your time,ya!!!
and also thanks for buying me those books!!
"have you watched syurga cinta?"
"nope..i tunggu die kua astro je time raya nnt"
"bought the dvd last night"
"no you didn't!!"
"for my 'mental' sis laa" (sorry ayin!!!hahaha!!)
"why syurga cinta?"
"she got this 'movie night' there..so,kinda getting over their homesick by watching the malays?"
and both of us...
"LEMMAHHH LEMBUUUTTT!!!!"
fun zaf...fun...